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Why the F#$@ do I need a title?

Sunday, November 29, 2015

11:25AM - A few days after Thanksgiving

It was one of those dry autumn days where the sun is hot and the shadows are cold. I was working on a project in the backyard and trying to clear my mind.

I want to message Chris. Should I?

He has no reason to be upset with me, or does he? Why do I even care if he is upset with me?

Why do I like this guy? He's an asshole and he's damaged. Things are deeply wrong with him. I guess the better question is why am I most attracted people who are mean to me? This isn't the first time I've done this.

I want to message him so badly. But I'm not letting myself. I wan't him to message me even more badly.

A few days ago he wrote me a thing saying he loves me. I was floored and giddy at the same time.

I sat in the laundromat texting him, hoping our conversation would lead to something -- lead to us dating. Lead to him finally acting like a mature person who can be in a relationship. Lead to me not being so lonely all the time.

But he took his love back as quickly as he gave it. It was just a prank, he said, to get back at me for something silly earlier in the day. Then he said it was all true, but that he'll ruin my transition if we date.

I don't know if he was telling the truth or lying. It makes me want him even more than I already had.

I want to message him, but I don't want to win. I don't want to message him, but I'm lonely. I'm a transgender girl with two friends in the world, and one his Chris.

Why is it winning? Friendship isn't a game. Friendship isn't racking up points or getting the upperhand.

Sometimes I think he's not really my friend -- that I'm just a toy he enterains himself with. I wonder if he can even have friends. I wonder if it would be better for me if I let go of him. It's too scary. I have almost no one.

I'm annoyed with myself because it occurs to me right now that my ability to be in relationships is bad as when I started this journal a lifetime ago.

Transition is no magic bullet.

Saturday, November 21, 2015

10:57AM - I'm back

I last wrote in this eight years ago almost to the day.

I've transitioned in the intervening time. By most measures my transition has gone well.

But it's not good. The further I get in my transition, the more isolated I get. One of the only good friends I've made since transitioning just told me we can't be friends anymore for a bunch of reasons on his end.

I'm devastated right now. A few minutes ago I was sitting on the floor trying to fold laundry and crying all over myself.

I don't know what to do. This is a really lonely existence. 

Friday, November 16, 2007

7:49AM - Life in the breakdown lane

Well, my Honda broke down AGAIN. For a month or so, I could hear a soft bubbling sound every now and then, but I could never figure out what it was. Tuesday of last week I went out to run some errands and the car was idling a little roughly. I figured I should check it out, but it soon resumed normal operation. The next day, I decided to drive it around and see how it was running. It ran fine while I went and bought some new shoes (camo converse btw) but when I tried to drive home, it was idling really badly. Soon I had no power and white smoke was billowing from the tailpipe. Ugh, blown head gasket. I tried to drag her home, but she crapped out on my two miles away. Anyway, the car still isn't fixed and I've been driving my parent's '82 toyota pickup for the past week.

This time when the Honda broke down, I decided enough was enough. It's time for another car. I really wanted the bmw 2002 my neighbor has, but his asking price was too high. Matt tipped me off to a 2002 on a dealer's lot on fullerton. I checked it out with my bro and it looked pretty nice, save for a suspicious rust bubble on one of the rockers, but for $2000, I was intrigued. I went back the next day during daylight hours, and much to my dismay, it was now obvious the bimmer was a hack job. Rust and bondo reared their ugly heads everywhere I looked.

All hope was not lost though, I had seen a 1978 vw rabbit on craigslist that looked real purdy. After a test drive, and an inspection, I decided I had to have it. I finalized the deal last night, and now it's mine! Pictures will be forthcoming.

Current mood: current_mood

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

10:27AM - Automotive events galore!

America is a country widely known for its undying connection to the automobile. If Detroit is the obtuse brain of America's car CULTure, then surely the beating heart of that love has got to be LA. In spite of massive issues of congestion and over-burdened infrastructure, Southern Californians just can't get enough of their cars, so it's fitting, and fortunate for local gear-heads, that SoCal offers a nearly endless supply of automobile related activites and events.

Last Thursday, I had the pleasure of attending the NHRA qualifiers at Pomona. What a lot of fun! There's nothing else like watching 7000hp cars run down the strip at 300+ mph. It was the first time I'd been, but it won't be the last.

Last Sunday, I dropped by the Der Kleiner Panzers meet at Nick's burgers in Fullerton. DKP is an ancient order of exclusionary VW snobs. I'd never join their club even if I could, but it is enjoyable to walk around and look at all the veedubs. Technically, the club is only open to beetles, ghias and type 3's that meet their stringent requirements, bus since Nick's Burgers is a public place, all sorts of misfits (i.e. Buses, bajas and beaters) show up. Apparently the prior meeting was the biggest one of the year, and unfortunately, I missed it.

Coming up later this month is one of my very favorite events to attend, The LA auto show. I missed it last year, and I can't think of a whole lot of premiers I'm excited for this year (the Hyundai Genesis would be sweet) but it's always a good time when you can get plastered on some Gordon Biersch and walk around gawking at concept cars.

I also need to make my way over the the Petersen Automotive museum to check out the low riders exhibit. Whille not exactly my thing, Low Riders are something to behold. Last time I was there, they featured cars, buggies and assorted monstrosities designed by Ed Roth, of Rat Fink fame. I just noticed they also have a microcar exhibit. Gotta get back out there!

I forget all the rest of what's going on in the coming months, but here's a pretty good list to start:

Current mood: current_mood

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

7:52PM - Sorry, but the bus is never coming back.

Part of being an enthusiast of Air-cooled volkswagen is spending a lot time reminiscing about the past. It's only natural. ACVW's are inextricably linked to our past, and a perticularly memorable part of our past at that.

Now, internet forums are notorious for constantly devolving into bitch-fests with only the slightest nudge. Inject that reminiscing into an internet forum and the result is something I've dubbed reminitching.

It's all too common to see topics like, "Why did VW kill off the beetle?," "Bring back the Beetle," "Bring back the air-cooled flat four," etc. etc. Enough already. The era is over and things are different. Sorry.

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My bus, a few years back

Since I am the proud owner of a 1969 vw bus, I spend most of my time on the vw bus forums, and they are no exception to the Rule of Reminitching. Of course, being a bus forum, everyone pisses and moans and waits in agony for the return of the rear-engined, air cooled bus. Sorry, but It's never coming back.

When the bus first made its debut in 1950, the world had never really seen what we would now call a "van. " Volkwagen's idea for a vehicle that could not only haul around goods and equipment, but also a family was really quite novel. The bus was a hit and had a run of 41 years in three different generations. By 1983 though, the marketplace had changed drastically.

With the release of the Dodge Caravan/Chrysler Town and Country Twins, consumers now had a choice. They could purchase a mini-van that offered car-like handling and fuel economy, or a compact van with truck-like performance. As the years passed, the two types of vans diverged and the need for a a van that could function for work duty and family life dwindled. By 1991 VW decided that the transporter series would move in the mini-van direction.

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A 2004 VW Eurovan

Don't mistake this for me excusing the Eurovan. As with many of their vehicles VW has forgotten what made them desirable in the first place: competitive pricing, simplicity, reliability, and above all quirkiness. Anyway, here's the video that got me thinking about all of this.

Current mood: current_mood

Sunday, October 21, 2007

8:04AM - Facebook!

I know almost no one reads this anymore, but I've got a facebook now.  Anyone from here have a facebook?

Saturday, October 20, 2007


I hate the Nissan Murano. I don't hate it for its CVT. I don't hate it for being front- wheel drive. I don't even hate it for being a car masquerading as an SUV (cross-over in automotive parlance) I hate it for its C-pillar.

I know not everyone is up on their car terms, so here's a quick rundown of what a C-pillar is. It's really pretty simple. Most passenger cars have three "pillars" if you look at them from the side. Here's a BMW 2002 to illustrate:

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Alright, that being said. Let's take a look at the C pillar on a Murano.

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Notice that its not shaped like a pillar, but more like a triangle. I don't really care for it. I looks awkward. Whatever. I could excuse the Murano, if not for one thing: It's a trend-setter.

What was originally a styling fluke on an already strangely styled Nissan, has now become the hot thing in automotive styling. That silly little triangle is rearing its ugly head in more and more places on our road. You can now find it on the Mazda 3 hatch, Pontiac Vibe, Nissan Rogue, and the Jeep Compass.

The funny thing about all this trend setting by the Murano has been done before. There was a car back in the 70's that featured the same triangle. That car was the AMC Gremlin and was without a doubt, one of the worst looking cars of all time.

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As they say, those who forget the past are condemned to repeat it. Murano, congrats on being the new Gremlin.

Current mood: current_mood

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

9:24AM - America fights back!

Let's start by assuming that the last car featured here, the Citroen 2CV, is a perfect example of how good engineering and design can overcome tragic styling and result in a vehicle that will be relevant for decades.
At the opposite end of the spectrum then, we have a car like AMC's Pacer. Over-engineered, and unlovably misshapen, the Pacer survived a paltry 5 years on the market.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at PhotobucketPhoto Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

The year was 1971 and America was increasingly being flooded by foreign automakers, who were peddling small, reliable and fuel-efficient cars at rock bottom prices. In response, Ford and GM rolled out their own subcompacts, the Pinto and Vega, which merged japanese size with American unreliabilty. Chrysler was busy trying to sell Mitsubishis as it's own. American Motors, the smallest of the big american automakers was in bad shape, and desperately needed a product to stay competitive.

With the looming threat of new safety regulations, AMC embarked on creating a futuristic little car with an imressive list of safety features. The car would also be powered by the new, and radically different Wankel engine. There's a reason only one car company continues to use the Wankel.

The deal that would supply the Wankel to AMC eventually fell through, and federal safety regulations were significantly watered down, leaving the Pacer with no power plant, and and safety features that weren't required.

AMC managed to cram their straight six, and later V8 into the car. In the process, they gave the car less than ideal fuel economy (16 city/26 hwy). They also deleted a few safety items. The roll-bar was gone, but the odd roof-line that went with it stayed. The remaining safety features, and enough glass-area to rival the Crystal Cathedral, gave the little car a whopping 3000 lbs of curb weight. For comparison, the similarly sized vw beetle weighed 1800 lbs. Despite the larger engine, the pacer was sloooow.

Whereas the styling of the 2CV was mainly due to a function-over-form mentality, the Pacer's god awful looks were deliberately planned. At least to me, the car looks something I might've seen on Space Mountain at Disneyland. Don't get me wrong though, I love it. loving the Pacer is like enjoying a heaping plate of Brussel sprouts. I know they taste like crap, but that doesn't stop me from enjoying them. Personally, though, I prefer the slightly more mainstream looks of the Pacer wagon to the coupe.

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Who says you can't eat your brussel sprouts with some A-1 steak sauce?

Current mood: current_mood

Saturday, October 6, 2007

9:24AM - A slight change in direction...

The first car I hoped to feature in this little exercise of my writing skills was going to be a certain goofy looking American car from the seventies. However, at the suggestion of Matt, II'l be heading in a more Gallic direction.

The first car facing the spotlight here is the Citroen 2CV.

Perhaps your keen mind has noticed a striking similarity in shape to the legendary Volkswagen Beetle. The history books say the 2CV was under development as early at 1939. Perhaps socio-economic factors lead to some convergent evolution in the automotive industry, rather than outright intellectual plagiarism on the part of the French. I'll give the frogs the benefit of the doubt here.

The similarities with the Beetle went a little farther than the general shape, but not by much. While the 2CV also was powered by a air-cooled boxer engine, the French stuck theirs in the front of the car, and gave it only two cylinders. In case you didn't know, 2CV indicates that the engine develops a whopping two horsepower. (This was no 25 HP screamer, like the Germans had.) The engine actually made 4 HP in it's earliest form, but we've got to remember these are the same people that gave the world the metric system, so let's not get hung up numbers

Much like Citroen's groundbreaking Traction-Avant (a favorite of Nazi officers throughout Hollywood), the 2CV not only placed it's engine up front, it was also front wheel drive, a real novelty in cars until the late seventies.

Much like the Beetle and the Mini, the 2CV enjoyed a remarkably long run with only minor design changes. The car was produced in virtually the same form from 1948 to 1990.

One can argue over the merits of the car's rather hideous aesthetics, but its long life-span is a testament to an excellent design. The 2CV has been, and will remain an object of pride for many a Frenchman for many years into their snooty, obstructionist future.

Current mood: current_mood

Thursday, October 4, 2007

7:42AM - Weird chicks need love too...

Those of you who have had the pleasure of spending time with me in person should be familiar with my rather unhealthy obsession with automobiles. As an American man, it's not really out of character to swoon over a good looking, and usually expensive, car. However, most men would be getting their hard ons over lamborghinis, ferraris, or maybe even an Acura Integra, if they happened to be of the Asian Persuasion.
I am different. I can look at a Bugatti Veyron without even the slightest heart palpitation. No, what really gets me are the weird and funky cars of the world; the cars that only a mother could love. Well, it's time I showed my love for these little beasts.

Current mood: current_mood

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

10:55AM - End of the season

It seems like summer is finally over.  I guess most people consider labor day weekend to be the last hurrah for summer, but the sun and the heat have been hanging around her in SoCal until this week. Suddenly it feels like fall. It's got that feeling of pumpkins and halloween and turkey around here now. Don't get me wrong, I love the fall, and I was damn sick of dying in my non-AC car, but I already miss the long days, the pool and the barbecues.  I'm hearing there's a possibility of rain tomorrow or thursday, so I've gotta hustle and get my bus parts somewhere safe.

Speaking of the bus, I'm still making progress, albeit slowly. The whole cargo floor has been stripped and coated with Rustbullet (rust-proof paint.) Next step is to lay down the truck bed liner.  I'm also prepping for paint. I bought all my paint at Lowes a couple weeks ago and on Sunday I picked up an HVLP gun from Harbor Freight. My first experience with the gun was iffy, but I'll just keep practicing.  I've got about half the body sanded and probably would be done by now if not for some really ugly repairs hiding under bondo on the nose.

Work has been good. I'm really making quite a bit of money these days, though I miss my free time.

Matt and his g/f broke up and he's been really bummed, so I've been playing counselor joe for the past three weeks.

I still haven't heard from Cal Poly in regards to my admission and the suspense is killing me. I'm going to call them today and see what I can find out.  I realized today how upset I'll be if I don't get in. :-O

For some reason, my mom has been extremely cool for the past few months. I'm actually starting to think maybe she just doesn't hate me anymore. My dad is still the king of all douches most of the time though.

Alright, I gotta go get ready to go to therapy.

Current mood: nostalgic

Tuesday, August 21, 2007


So let's see, as usual, I've been ignoring my journal. Probably a lot of stuff has happened since last time I wrote.

I broke up with sylvia after dating her for 8 months.  Our relationship had gotten to the point where all we did was fight  constantly. She was always mad at me about something, and I was tired of feeling bad about it.

I quit working at home depot. I had been working with Tim for Empire, and Depot at the same time, but it was just too much.  Tim wasn't understanding about me not wanting to work both jobs on the same day, so I would get up at 6:30 and drive to some place like inglewood or san bernardino and work until 1:30 and then drive straight to depot and usually be late, and then work three to midnight. Yuck.

I went camping with Matt up on the Merced river. It was fun, but I wish there had been some hiking trails.  Oh, and there were waay too many beaners around. The trip was nice, but it really only made me want to go camping even more than I did before.

Progress on the bus has been slow. Though I have been helping matt take his beetle apart and put it back together. It lets me practice on a car other than my own.

It's turning out to be an extremely hot summer. I've been working out in the inland empire a lot lately, and temps have been upwards of 105 degrees.  Again, yuck.

Well, I'm chatting with Stef on AIM, so gotta go. Laters.

Saturday, April 21, 2007


Hello Livejournal and any of my friends from here that might still read this. I miss talking to y'all.

So here's the rundown:

I'm still working at Home Depot, but I finally got my transfer approved to come to the store near my house.

My friend Tim wants me to come work for him as an assistant. We would be installing bathtubs and showers.

I'm still dating Sylvia. We're almost at four months now. We fight a lot, but I like her.

The bathroom is 95% done. I've got a case of senioritis about it though, and haven't really finished it.

I started working on the bus again.

My grandma bought me a new mattress and I'm sleeping much better these days.

That's about it I guess. Sorry I neglect this thing so badly.

Current mood: current_mood

Friday, March 2, 2007

2:47PM - Bathroom Update!

Ok, so it's almost been a year since I started the bathroom remodel. Here's what I have to show for it:

BEFORE                                                                                      AFTER

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BEFORE                                                                 AFTER

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

BEFORE                                                                AFTER

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And here are a couple of other shots:

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Current mood: current_mood

Wednesday, January 24, 2007


I think things between sylvia and I are over, and for one simple reason: I don't want extra bullshit in my life. I honestly never expected things between us to really last a long time, but I figured it would be something different than this. I thought she would act like a real bitch and yell or say something for which I wouldn't forgive her. No, this bullshit drama was just so typical and boring it's depressing.
was supposed to go over her place tonight after work. She decided to go to the bar while I was at work and got absolutely wasted. Fine. Whatever. I like to get drunk too. I'm an alcoholic too, so I'm not gonna be mad. However, It was offputting for her to be so drunk that she couldn't look at me straight, or kiss me right. Ok, whatever. She'll sober up.

I drove her home and walked her inside and got her to her bed and then her phone rings. It's her ex boyfriend. I dunno why he's calling her at 11:45 but I do know he sounds mad. She got off the phone quickly. as he hung up on her and she started crying, and things were going downhill fast. I'm trying to be calm cool and collected, but I'm looking around for my parachute to bail out at the same time.

I told her she needed some sleep and that I was gonna go. I got her into bed and she begged me to stay. Mistake. I don't like being put in that position. I left and reminded her again to get some sleep.

So even if she wakes up tomorrow for work at 5:45 am and gets over her hangover and decides shes not mad at me for leaving her, I'm not sure I want back into the relationship.

Current mood: cynical

Thursday, January 18, 2007


I hate to have the only thing I've posted in a long time be negative but, this has turned out to be a fairy shitty week. Last friday I lost my wallet when I was out geocaching. With no sign of it by saturday morning, I called in sick from work to retrace my steps of the previous day. No luck there. Called and cancelled my cards. Still wondered if maybe my wallet was just misplaced somewhere in the house. Well monday rolled around and lo and behold, my drivers license showed up in the mail with a note saying when and where the person found it. At least I got some closure.

Today I went to school for the first day of class, which was rather enjoyable. I left class and got in my car and got in line to exit the parking structure. While in line, my car died and refused to start. Even exempting the embarassment of being the owner of the car thats blocking all the traffic trying to leave schoo, it was a pretty shitty experience. I made some phone calls and got a ride to the autoparts store from sylvia. Put some more motor oil in the engine on a hunch (it was low anyway) and it started up. Whoopty-doo! Headed for sylvia's house with a detour to the drive-thru of del taco where it died again. This time though it started up almost immediately.

Went to sylvia's
went to work
went back to sylvia's

Left for home at 1am. Due to freeway construction, I took a detour through diamond bar, where my car decided to die on me one more time. I managed to get it to the parking lot of a hotel and called my brother to give me a ride home. Now I'm drinking a cranberry and vodka that I really feel I deserve and trying not to think about tomorrow. Goodnight.

Current mood: aggravated

Friday, December 22, 2006


Ok, so I'm getting pretty interested in Sylvia at work. Problem is that she's crazy. Why do I always get involved with crazy girls? I really enjoy hanging out with her, and get along well with her, but she can be fucking nuts. I'm worried about where this is gonna go.

Current mood: current_mood

Sunday, December 10, 2006

8:24AM - Today is the first annual Wear Ugly Day at the Home Depot

An event to commemorate the idiocy of enforcing the Home Depot's "pants rule," even in hot Southern California.

I'll be wearing baggy brick red polyester pants, a blue and white patterned polyester shirt and a green, white and purple sweater vest. This should be fun.

Current mood: current_mood

Monday, November 13, 2006


I feel a creeing depression coming on. I hope it goes away before it gets bad.

Current mood: current_mood

Tuesday, October 31, 2006


It's halloween, and the weather is just perfect; cold, clammy, cloudy and just a touch of fog. I'm glad because I hate when its bright and sunny on halloween(and xmas for that matter).

The scariest thing going on around here though is that I've got more splotches of poison oak showing up all over me. The rash that I got a couple of weeks ago is now a pretty nasty, oozy and crusty yellow. I must have gotten into some more this past friday, and I'm afraid to see how bad it might get. I've really had enough of this.

Besides that, I'm feeling pretty lonely today. Not much I can do about that though.

I'm at another one of those points where I feel something needs to change. I need to get going with my life already.

Current mood: current_mood

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