Cydesho (cydesho) wrote,

A few days after Thanksgiving

It was one of those dry autumn days where the sun is hot and the shadows are cold. I was working on a project in the backyard and trying to clear my mind.

I want to message Chris. Should I?

He has no reason to be upset with me, or does he? Why do I even care if he is upset with me?

Why do I like this guy? He's an asshole and he's damaged. Things are deeply wrong with him. I guess the better question is why am I most attracted people who are mean to me? This isn't the first time I've done this.

I want to message him so badly. But I'm not letting myself. I wan't him to message me even more badly.

A few days ago he wrote me a thing saying he loves me. I was floored and giddy at the same time.

I sat in the laundromat texting him, hoping our conversation would lead to something -- lead to us dating. Lead to him finally acting like a mature person who can be in a relationship. Lead to me not being so lonely all the time.

But he took his love back as quickly as he gave it. It was just a prank, he said, to get back at me for something silly earlier in the day. Then he said it was all true, but that he'll ruin my transition if we date.

I don't know if he was telling the truth or lying. It makes me want him even more than I already had.

I want to message him, but I don't want to win. I don't want to message him, but I'm lonely. I'm a transgender girl with two friends in the world, and one his Chris.

Why is it winning? Friendship isn't a game. Friendship isn't racking up points or getting the upperhand.

Sometimes I think he's not really my friend -- that I'm just a toy he enterains himself with. I wonder if he can even have friends. I wonder if it would be better for me if I let go of him. It's too scary. I have almost no one.

I'm annoyed with myself because it occurs to me right now that my ability to be in relationships is bad as when I started this journal a lifetime ago.

Transition is no magic bullet.
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